Managing Anxiety in Social Situations (Pt 1) - Prepare
Managing anxiety is best done throughout the day, as unsettling situations arise, so that to avoid a build-up of emotions that may overwhelm you at the worst possible moment. If you know you are going to enter a space that generates anxiety, whether it be going to the office, a party or a family get-together, etc... it is wise to take a moment to prepare and ground yourself. Taking 2-3 minutes to bring your anxiety level down at this point can make a big difference on how you will experience and manage the actual situation. Depending on the level of anxiety you experience, you may want to run through this process more than once. For instance, you can prepare yourself a few days ahead of the event, earlier on the day, and and just before the situation.
Grounding yourself works best if you attend to your body, your emotions and your thoughts so that all these aspects of your most immediate experience are reasonably settled before you enter the stressful environment.
Acknowledge Start with paying attention to the thoughts you have about the situation that you are going to face, the emotions linked to those thoughts and how those emotions are impacting your body. For instance, I have often worked with clients who experience high levels of stress and anxiety at their work place. So this part of the process could go something like: “ I feel extremely anxious about my day in the office. I am thinking about the meeting I will have at 10 am with X and how they talk down to me and how small I always feel during our meetings. I dread losing track of my thoughts and making a fool of myself. Just thinking about it now, I am already feeling anxious, helpless and defeated. I can feel my heart thumping in my chest, I feel clammy and I just want to go home.”
Breathe Having acknowledged this, take several deep breaths, breathing in deeply though the nose and breathing out slowly and deeply through the mouth. Do this for as long as you need to, until you feel calmer, your heart rate is slower and your heightened emotions feel steadier.
Reassure Now, take a moment to cognitively reassure yourself. For this, you want to focus on the present moment. Anxiety mostly is about the future, which is not there yet. So, this can go: “I am worried about the meeting [Validating your experience] and right now, I am in my car, in the carpark. Right now, I am ok. [Reassure] My fears are based on an educated guess based on previous experience [Validating your experience]. And at this point, none of what I am imagining has come to pass. At this point I am ok. At this point, I am safe. [Reassure]”
Realistic Expectations and Planning This can also be a good time to plan for the situation you dread and, if it feels comfortable, set yourself a realistic goal you want to achieve. For instance, a goal can be to tolerate staying at a party for over an hour, talking to at least three persons at a social event, intervening once in a business meeting, etc… It is best to focus on one goal at a time, until you have mastered it. Going back to the example above, a goal may be to stand your ground at least once in the situation, or to leave the conversation appropriately before you feel too impacted by your colleagues attitude. To plan, you can rehearse the situation in your mind, imagining different likely scenario and how you could manage them. E.g if X starts talking down to you, how might you put down some boundaries this time?
What could you say? ( e.g. “Actually, X, the information I have in this subject shows that…”).
Is support available during the encounter? (“Y, what is your opinion on the subject?”).
Can you take heat off you by giving yourself time? (“That is interesting feedback, X. Let me think about it and get back to you.”). Could you pour yourself a drink, taking this time to breathe to settle yourself?
Is it appropriate to walk away? (“Thank you for this. I have something else to attend to. I need to go now and will update you on progress.”)
It may pay to jolt these down on paper or on a mobile device so as to have a visual reminder readily available. It is now time to step out of your safety zone and enter the lion’s den!
Please contact me if you would like help applying these tools to your personal circumstances.